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Matt's North Pole Post Office Humor
email for silly people with silly stories. |
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Incoming Mail |
Outgoing Mail |
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>Dear Mr. Robinson, > My friend Markseltzer passed on two stories about Admiral Peary's 1909 expedition that you sent to him about Peary's use of Yettis and penguins. I am very interested in Peary's conquest of the Pole because I am writing a book about the Pole. I have been there a few times from the Russian side. I have read a lot about it, but I never came across either of these remarkable stories and would like to learn more. I
understand that your
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Dear
Chris, I have made an effort to isolate these stories on a humor page. Note: http://www.matthewhenson.com/humor.htm The current controversy centers on the need for an artificial horizon at the Pole. These stories were never revealed during Matt's lifetime. Matt's spirit channels this knowledge to my cat, Rusty, who then beams them to me telepathically. The notorious penquin story is at the bottom of this page. Sincerely yours, Bradley Robinson |
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 Date:
Thu, 19 Feb 1998 22:25:22 -0500 >Dear
Mr. Wizard, Date:
Wed, 04 Feb 1998 01:24:05 -0500 |
Date:
Tue, 10 Feb 1998 18:58:04 -0800
To: newtool@mail2.nai.net From: Bradley Robinson <Bradley@matthewhenson.com> Subject: At the North Pole there is no horizon... Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: >The "artificial horizon" is detailed in the National Geographic article. You have no idea what you are talking about! At the North Pole there is no horizon - it vanishes as one approached 90 degrees N just as longitude converges into a single point. At the very apex of the planet it is virtually impossible to stand without disorientation which is why there are no penguins. An "artificial horizon" is a large hoop worn around the waist. The hoop is covered with caribou skin, finely tanned, upon which charcoal lines are drawn to indicate the lines of longitude missing at the Pole. Henson and Seegloo sketched pictorials along the perimeter of these hoops to show familiar objects like polar bears and scantily clad female walrus. Wearing an "artificial horizon" was only possible in calm weather as winds would create a sailboat effect resulting in rapid drift - in fact, Peary was thought to have drifted West by author Herbert who first raised the possibility that Peary missed the Pole. Later travelers to the Pole have not had access to caribou skin and have had to make Gor-tex covered hoops, which truly are "artificial". Peary's use of indigenous animal skin was actually an "organic horizon". Why you would want to view the sun in a mercury puddle makes no sense to me. Sincerely, Bradley Robinson Senior Polar Navigation expert. > >It employs a small pan of mercury and measures the peak of the sun and >its reflection in the mercury. How one makes a calculation based on >that, i can't remember. Don't do that! Mercury is toxic. |
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Date:
Sat, 14 Feb 1998 02:01:34 -0500
From: Glenn Rice <newtool@mail2.nai.net> Reply-To: newtool@mail2.nai.net MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Bradley Robinson <Bradley@matthewhenson.com> Subject: Re: At the North Pole there is no horizon... I must correct you again apparently: >>At the North Pole there is no horizon - it vanishes as one approached 90 degrees N just as longitude converges into a single point. While true in a technical sense, what you are actually describing is the heretofore theoretical "White Hole". The theory is that it reflects all light, and has no gravity. It is the opposite of the Black Hole. It does, however (at least as the theory theorizes) have a horizon. Referred to as the Non-Event Horizon, it is the opposite of the Event Horizon at the edge of Black Holes. While the Event Horizon is only provable by submitting oneself to infinite gravity and certain death, the Non-Event Horizon can be experienced every night at 6 PM local.. on your local news, which really is loaded with non events. >>At the very apex of the planet it is virtually impossible to stand without disorientation which is why there are no penguins. This much, at least is true... |
Dear
Mr. Smarty,
>While true in a technical sense, what you are actually describing is the >heretofore theoretical "White Hole". The theory is that it reflects all >light, and has no gravity. It is the opposite of the Black Hole. It >does, however (at least as the theory theorizes) have a horizon. >Referred to as the Non-Event Horizon, it is the opposite of the Event >Horizon at the edge of Black Holes. Peary & Henson had no idea it was this complicated. You can, at least, have sympathy with their plight and appreciate why they wore 'Caribou horizons" to orient themselves, even if they lacked your physics knowledge. >While the Event Horizon is only provable by submitting oneself to >infinite gravity and certain death, the Non-Event Horizon can be >experienced every night at 6 PM local.. on your local news, which >really is loaded with non events. AH! But you see, they had no radio then and could not listen to Non-Event Horizon. >>>At the very apex of the planet it is virtually impossible to stand >without disorientation which is why there are no penguins. > >This much, at least is true... Yes, they are rendered sideways and slide away from the Pole at high velocity. The sounds which people incorrectly attribute to the Norther Lights (whistling and screams) are in fact generated by the penguins as they are shot off the Pole by the white hole effect. They scream as they bump along the rough sea ice and hit pressure ridges, and also because they know the Inuits are waiting to eat them at the lower lattitudes. Penguins
are subject to the same effect at the South Pole, of course, but at
least their are no Inuits waiting to eat them so they don't scream.
The Antartic glacier is smooth and provides them an enjoyable ride.
In fact the Southern Aurora Borealis makes a happier sound more akin
to "Wheeeee! Wheeeee! Wheeeeee!" |
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Subject:
Re: penguin web page
consider if you will the following... if you shift the position of a grain of sand , you change thecourse of all time.... had you not gone into the pemmican crevice, you would have had me believing the tale...but now this poor child, will stand before the class....and with abject honesty, relate the tale of the sweet bird of meat that could have been the one to reach the pole.... the teacher, not knowing any better, will of course believe it as well. the children with nary a guide, will take this fractured fairy tale as historically accurate. they will grow up, have families, and tell the tale and a new legend will be born..... you are a destroyer of history, a maker of myths (anon) |
I'm
sure Matt would get a good laugh out of the story.
Actually this brings up a point about the need for artwork on this site. I have no polar bear or walrus icons, let alone igloos and dog sleds. This will take time but eventually these will be provided by some generous person. For now the penguin icons are the only royalty free art I have. In fact, there is a section in the index "Let's draw the Arctic" which requests North Pole pictures. Bradley |
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To:
Bradley@matthewhenson.com
Subject: penguin web page Date: Sun, 09 Nov 97 Hello, My name is Rhys Hatch and I'm in 6th grade. Last year I did a report on penguins and found that none of them live in the Arctic. Why do you have them on your web page. |
Dear
Mr. or Ms. Hatch,
My colleague, Dr. Robinson, asked me to comment on your observation about penguins. You mention that your report "... found that none of them live in the Arctic." While this is a common belief it is not entirely accurate. You may not know that penguins were quite popular with zoos and museums in the late 1890's. In fact the New York Zoo and the Bronx zoo had so many that they were breeding out of control. In those days before air conditioning penguins were dying of heat in the summers. The suffering hordes of penguins were finally brought to the small lake in Central Park at 5th Ave and 52nd street. Horse drawn wagons carried ice to chill the pond around the clock as it was shipped in by train from Canada.The great cost of this was offset by charging admission to the ice pond where wealthy up town New Yorkers swam in the chilled waters during the August heat waves. One of these swimmers was the banker Morris Jesup who financed many of the Peary Polar expeditions. He realized that the summer departure of Peary's ship the Windward presented an opportunity in 1895 to transport thousands of these excess penguins to colder climes. The zoos were eager to endorse the plan as their budgets were drained from the icing of the lake. So it happened that in 1895 Matt and Peary took over 5,000 penguins north with them to Ellesmere Island. The Eskimos there were enchanted with the happy flightless birds and quickly incorporated them into their tribal customs. Flocks of them were tied to kayak boats as a form of locomotion - the water based analog to the terrestrial dog sled team. This proved so successful that Peary proposed traveling to the North Pole by employing canoes pulled by penguins during the summer months when the polar sea ice melted. However, before his plan was realized the Eskimo noticed how delicious the penguin meat was to eat. It had a rich, sweet flavor like a cross between fine goose and the best beef steak. Even Peary found them irresistible as a food source and with Henson, Ootah and Seegloo they ate their entire flock from New York during the first winter. So much for reaching the pole by penguin. Later Peary found dogs to be almost as good to eat and used them instead of penguins to reach the Pole. On
subsequent expeditions Peary happily loaded all the excess penguins
from the New York zoos aboard his ships. In fact, by the 1906 expedition
word of this had spread to other cities and he was obliged to stop
in Boston on his way north to load several thousand of that zoo's
penguins. The very high protein density of penguin meat was so exceptional
that Peary had them processed into pemmican to eat on his polar travels.
Pemmican has been a staple food for many who traveled north yet few
knew the derivation of the name. To Peary it meant "Penguin-in-a-can"
or penguican as he pronounced it. Later it was shortened to the now
familiar pemmican. To this day the word "pen-win" is still
used by northern Greenland Inuits as a term for good tasting food. |
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Copyright© 1999, Bradley Robinson, www.matthewhenson.com |
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